Our theme for this month: “Changing the tone of the conversation”

Our Bible verse for today: “I said, ‘I will guard my ways so that I may not sin with my tongue; I will guard my mouth with a muzzle as long as the wicked are in my presence.” Psalm 39:1 (CSB)

Our thought for today: “We are held to a higher standard.”

As Christians we know God holds us to a higher standard in our thinking, speaking, and acting. He expects us to be different than non-Christians. But we’re also held to a higher standard by the observing world. The truth is that the world expects us to practice what we preach and to behave better than they do.

It’s kind of funny that they would expect more of us than they do of themselves, but it’s true. An unbeliever can curse like a drunken sailor and they don’t see any problem with it, but if you respond to them with a word of profanity they will be surprised to hear such talk come out of your mouth and then they’ll accuse you of being a hypocrite.

Likewise, an unbeliever might receive too much change back from the cashier, and if they choose to keep it they might be thinking, “Well this is my lucky day!” as they slip the extra money into their pocket. But if they see you, a professing Christian, do the same thing, once again they will conclude that you are a hypocrite and that your professed faith evidently doesn’t make much of a difference in your life.

In Psalm 39:1 King David spoke of his efforts to guard his tongue so that he would not sin with his words. But then he also said that he was especially mindful of that when he was in the presence of the ungodly. It wasn’t that David didn’t make an effort at all times to control his speech, he did, but he was especially conscious of it when he was around unbelievers because a slip on his part, in their presence, would be a bad testimony.

The truth is that we are held to a higher standard of speech and conduct – by God Himself and also by the observing world. So paraphrasing the words of King David let me encourage you today to “put a muzzle on your mouth” – especially around non-Christians.

God Bless,

Pastor Jim

Our mailing address is:

Our theme for this month: “Changing the tone of the conversation”

Our Bible verse for today: “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; for you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.” Proverbs 25:21-22 (CSB)

Our thought for today: “This is not a backhanded way of getting even.”

Yesterday I told you the story about the guy who made an unkind remark about my new book and how, despite my initial urge to respond in-kind with an insult of my own, I simply thanked him for his response and wished him a good day. It took a little restraint on my part to do that, but I have to admit there was also some satisfaction for being the adult and responding to an insult with a blessing.

In Proverbs 25:21-22 Solomon referred to blessing an adversary as “heaping burning coals on his head”. This is a colorful and somewhat humorous way for God to remind us to be nice to others. These two verses are simply part of a larger body of literature, found throughout both the Old and New Testaments, where God calls us to be bigger and better people than those who do not know Him. But what does Solomon mean by “heaping burning coals on his head”?

The image of burning coals being dumped over the other person’s head is meant to picture a hot sense of shame washing over the person from head to toe, as they realize how immature and inappropriate their own words were by comparison to yours. This is a subtle and kind way of shaming the other person into a sense of repentance. It’s about helping them to grow. God is pleased with us when we use our situations to demonstrate kindness that helps others to grow.

The idea here is that we don’t return evil with evil, instead we respond to an insult with a word of blessing. This is not so we can have some smug sense of superiority, but so we can help the other person to see how a godly man or woman responds when they have been insulted or dealt with unfairly. This is so others can see our good example and be influenced by it.

Love for God and for others sometimes requires us to swallow our pride, bite our tongue, and speak words of blessing when we would really rather give the person a little of their own medicine. So go ahead and heap burning coals on his head. But do it for the right reason and with the right attitude. This is not a backhanded way of getting even. It’s a kind attempt to help them repent and grow.

God Bless,

Pastor Jim

Our mailing address is:

Our theme for this month: “Changing the tone of the conversation”

Our Bible verse for today: “Finally, all of you be like-minded and sympathetic, love one another, and be compassionate and humble, not paying back evil for evil or insult for insult but on the contrary, giving a blessing since you were called for this, so that you may inherit a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:8-9 (CSB)

Our thought for today: “Do not respond to an insult with an insult”

Yesterday I got to practice what I preach. For five weeks I’ve been writing devotional messages about “changing the tone of the conversation”, and I’ve been encouraging all of us to practice restraint in how we converse with those with whom we disagree. Yesterday I got to practice that restraint.

Although there are many problems associated with the social media platform “Facebook”, one of the positive aspects of it is that it often reestablishes contact between people who haven’t seen each other in decades. Thanks to Facebook I have regular contact with old Navy buddies I served with in Vietnam. I have contact with cousins who I haven’t seen since I was a child. And I’m part of a Facebook group that includes anyone who grew up in my hometown of Edison, New Jersey. It was that site that brought me my challenge yesterday.

A few days ago I released my latest book “Getting Along without Going Along: Biblical Sexual Ethics in an Age of Controversy and Conflict” (available at http://www.JimMersereauBooks.com). One way I’m promoting the book is with posts on Facebook and by asking others to share my posts on their own Facebook pages. Yesterday I posted a promo for the book on the “I grew up in Edison, New Jersey” group page. Well, one individual who saw the post (a person I don’t know and who presumably doesn’t know me either), took exception to the Christian nature of the book and had something unkind to say about it.

I found it a bit ironic that a book whose primary objective is to get people to be kind in the way they discuss their differences, evoked an unkind remark from that guy. I chuckled about the irony of it for a moment, but then I had to decide how I would respond. My initial instinct was to fire off a snarky response right back at him, but that would have simply served to invite a sharp response back. It would also have damaged my credibility, since it would have been the exact opposite of the message I was promoting in the book. So I bit my tongue, resisted the urge to respond in kind, and simply thanked him for his response and wished him a nice day.

Responding to an insult with an insult is never helpful. As Peter taught us in 1 Peter 3:8-9, it’s much better to respond to an insult with a word of blessing. I encourage you to make it a point that when you are insulted, instead of returning insult for insult give them a word of blessing instead.

God Bless,

Pastor Jim

Our mailing address is:

Our theme for this month: “Changing the tone of the conversation”

Our Bible verse for today: “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but one slow to anger calms strife.” Proverbs 15:18 (CSB)

Our thought for today: “Be the adult.”

I remember back in the mid-1970s when I was a young sailor serving in the U.S. Navy the Navy was experimenting with a psychoanalytic therapy called “Transactional Analysis”. “TA” as it was called for short, was a theory that maintained that most social transactions fit into one of three categories, parent-child, child-child, or adult-adult, and that those social transactions could be managed from that perspective.

So, if the person you are interacting with is acting like a child, you can assume the attitude of a mature adult, and your good example will help to inspire them to act like an adult too. If both of you are acting like children then either you’re just playing around and having fun, or one of you needs to knock it off and start acting like an adult so you can then inspire the other one to act like an adult too. And of course, the optimal situation for any social transaction would be for both parties to be conducting themselves as mature adults.

For a while the Navy actually held mandatory workshops that everyone had to attend so we could learn the TA strategies. It was kind of funny because in the days following a TA workshop you could walk around the ship, find two sailors in an argument, and inevitably others in the area would start shouting “TA!” “TA!” encouraging one or both of them to use a transactional analysis strategy to gain the upper hand in the argument.

In Proverbs 15:18 Solomon introduced us to what was perhaps the original TA strategy. There he reminds us that a hot-tempered person stirs up a conflict but one who is slow to anger calms things down. As a disagreement gets tense and emotions start to get in the way, a hot-tempered person will inevitably throw fuel on the fire by getting angry and saying things that make matters worse instead of better. But a person who is slow to anger, the one who can maintain control over his or her emotions and deal with the situation in a calm, reasoned manner, he or she is the one who can help to calm things down, or at least prevent them from escalating.

Transactional analysis turned out to be a passing fad, but the Proverbs of Solomon have endured for 3000 years. As Proverbs 15:18 teaches, I encourage you to be the reasonable adult who calms things down instead of stirring them up.

God Bless,

Pastor Jim

Our mailing address is:

Our theme for this month: “Changing the tone of the conversation”

Our Bible verse for today: “My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.” James 1:19 (CSB)

Our thought for today: “You are responsible for how you respond.”

I have a workbook I often use in counseling sessions when I’m working with someone who has anger management issues. It’s called, “The Anger Workbook: An interactive guide to anger management” by Les Carter and Frank Minirth. It’s actually a good study for all of us. It isn’t only those people who tend to lose their temper who have anger control issues. Anger takes many forms and is expressed in many ways – it’s not just explosive or forceful. We all experience anger and we all misuse it from time-to-time.

One of the lessons the authors teach is that anger is a choice. There is no valid “The devil made me do it” excuse. It’s not the other person’s fault. Nobody can “make” you angry. You have to choose to allow yourself to get angry. There’s a lot of truth to the old saying, “You can’t control what other people say and do, but you can control how you react to what other people say and do.”

When you allow other people to determine your emotional state you have in effect become a puppet on a string. You have granted the other person access to your mind and heart and you are allowing them to control your emotional state based on the things they say and do. Whenever you allow someone to push your buttons you have surrendered control of your emotional state to that person. You are no longer the one in control.

A mature Christian learns to maintain positive control over their emotions. You don’t allow others to jerk your chain or to push your buttons. You and you alone decide how you will react to any given situation. This is especially important when you’re in conversation with someone you disagree with about an important or sensitive issue. Such conversations can easily get heated, and soon you can find yourself responding in anger or frustration rather than in a controlled and reasonable manner.

In James 1:19 the Apostle cautions us to pause and think about what a God-honoring response to this other person would be. Don’t respond by immediately firing off a return volley. Think for a moment, count to ten if you have to. Take the time to prayerfully consider the God-honoring response, and then make a good choice that will help to make the situation better.

God Bless,

Pastor Jim

Our mailing address is:

Our theme for this month: “Changing the tone of the conversation”

Our Bible verse for today: “The one who guards his mouth (thinking before he speaks) protects his life; the one who opens his lips wide (and chatters without thinking) comes to ruin.” Proverbs 13:3 (Amplified Bible)

Our thought for today: “Don’t be a motor-mouth!”

In yesterday’s devotional I encouraged all of us to be patient and empathic listeners who really do listen to others and who don’t interrupt them. I said that I believe interrupting someone is rude and that as a considerate listener, you will let the other person finish what they’re saying before you start talking.

Being a good listener and not interrupting people is a basic rule of good communications and should be observed most of the time. But what do you do when dealing with a motor-mouth? You know what I mean, the person who chatters away mindlessly, just running their mouth because they love the sound of their own voice. How long should you let that go on before you try to stop it? You could be there a while, and so unless you brought your lunch and you’re prepared to spend the day, you will probably have to find some way to stop them. But still, you don’t want to be rude and you don’t want to hurt their feelings.

As a pastor I’m sometimes faced with that exact dilemma. There’s a lot to be said for just visiting with people and “shooting the breeze”. But on the other hand, the typical motor-mouth will usually corner you at the most inconvenient times to tell you all about the rash they have, what the doctor said about it, whether or not this particular ointment is helping, “and oh by the way, speaking of rashes, my neighbor’s friend has a cousin who has a granddaughter with a bad diaper rash. Please pray for her.” And on and on it goes.

My usual response is to be patient, listen carefully, and respond sincerely. But then, as it becomes apparent that this is going to go on for a while and that it really is just a lot of talk about much of nothing, I will look for an opportunity to gently jump in and steer the conversation to a conclusion. I mean, sooner or later the person will have to come up for air. Sooner or later there will have to be a pause in the flow of conversation so they can catch their breath. That’s your opportunity! That’s when you jump in with a sympathetic expression, you thank them for sharing, you invite them to keep you informed about how it all turns out, and you quickly move on to the next person.

In some respects this is humorous, but it’s also serious. Motor-mouth type people monopolize the conversation and they use up lots of other people’s time with long conversations about nothing. But still, they’re usually very nice people and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. So be patient, be kind, and … pray for that opening! They will need to breathe sooner or later.

God Bless,

Pastor Jim

Our mailing address is:

Our theme for this month: “Changing the tone of the conversation”

Our Bible verse for today: “The one who gives an answer before he listens – this is foolishness and a disgrace for him.” Proverbs 18:13 (CSB)

Our thought for today: “Please listen to me!”

Long ago I gave-up watching television news talk shows – the kind where they have a group discussion and they debate the issues. Those things drive me crazy because nobody listens to the other person. Instead they all try to talk at that same time, usually loudly and with great emotion. They talk at each other, over each other, and past each other, but they seldom listen to each other. Not much effective communication going on there.

Unfortunately the same is often true in our own conversations. Too often we don’t really listen to each other. Instead we interrupt and argue and talk right past each other without really listening to what the other person is saying.

Personally, I dislike being interrupted in conversation. I think it’s rude. When somebody interrupts you mid-sentence they’re essentially letting you know that they’re not really interested in what you have to say. They obviously think that whatever they have to say is more important, so they cut you off and begin talking over you. I hate that.

However, that’s actually very common. Most people talk too much and don’t listen enough. Also, when they do allow the other person to talk they’re usually not really listening to what that person is saying. Instead they’re thinking about what they’re going to say next as soon as it’s their turn to talk again.

Poor listening skills are one of the primary reasons conversations go bad. When people interrupt each other, talking over and past the other person, it leads to frustration and even anger. There’s no way a discussion will be helpful and productive under those conditions.

One of the basic rules for effective communication is to really listen to the other person – empathically. That means you pay attention to what they are saying, you think about it as they’re saying it, you try to relate to their point of view, and you let them finish what they’re saying before you start talking. Proverbs 18:13 says it’s foolish and rude to attempt to answer someone before you’ve taken the time to really listen to them.

To be a good listener you should allow the other person to speak first. Then really listen to them and let them finish what they’re saying before you start talking. This requires patience on your part, but it will greatly enhance the quality and effectiveness of your conversations.

God Bless,

Pastor Jim

Our mailing address is:

Our theme for this month: “Changing the tone of the conversation”

Our Bible verse for today: “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and incomprehensible things you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3 (CSB)

Our thought for today: “Let’s continue the discussion.”

Sometimes people ask me how I keep coming up with ideas for these daily devotional messages. They wonder how it is that I can write a daily devotional, six days a week, every week, for years on end. Where does all this come from? The short answer is “It comes from God.” The long answer is a bit more complicated.

Each month I pray and ask God to give me the theme He wants me to write about for the upcoming month. I call to Him, just like Jeremiah 33:3 says, trusting Him to give me the theme to begin with, and then to give me scripture passages and ideas all throughout the month.

Once I have that theme, it plays constantly in the back of my mind. Pretty much at all times I’m at least vaguely aware of it and thinking about it. Then, as I go through my days, I’m constantly coming across Bible verses, and ideas, and illustrations, and examples that pertain to that theme. In my personal Bible study time, in my research and study for sermons and Bible studies, in books I’m reading, magazines, newspapers, television news, and from people passing ideas along to me, I’m constantly jotting down motes for the devotionals. So, when I sit down to write, I have a lot of material to draw from.

The other day I was praying and asking God to give me the theme for August, but all I got was silence. There was nothing. So I went into my time of personal Bible study and within ten minutes I came across four passages of Scripture and one additional idea that pertained to the theme we were just finishing “Changing the tone of the conversation”. Later that day (it was a Monday and my day off), I was out riding my motorcycle and I stopped by a lake to sit and read for a while. During that short time of reading I came across several more ideas that pertained to the same theme. So in addition to the notes and ideas I had left over from July, along with the Scripture passages and ideas the Lord gave me on this day, I could write on that theme for two solid weeks just with the material I already had, even if the Lord gave me nothing else to work with.

So, I think He made it clear that we’re not yet done with the theme of “Changing the tone of the conversation”. Apparently there’s more He wants me to say on the matter and apparently there’s more for all of us to learn about it. I look forward to spending the month of August going deeper into this subject with you.

God Bless,

Pastor Jim

Our mailing address is: